I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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