my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
