R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
