good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
