Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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