Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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