Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Someone shattered a urinal.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
