he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
