i just made my gag reflex go away.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
