I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
