I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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