At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
