im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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