new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
