I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
