So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
