well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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