I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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