I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
