Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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