I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
