why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
