Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So here I am, sexting at work.
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