babies were throwing up all over the place
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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