why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
