why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
