Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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