I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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