Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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