I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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