So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
