Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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