at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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