I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
