Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
