I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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