can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
