Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
