i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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