You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
