if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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