WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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