we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
