So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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