I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
