my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
