I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
