Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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