I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
