Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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