Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
