dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
