i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
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It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
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He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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