Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Two words: blizzard sex
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
