I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
