WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
