Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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