I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
