I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
