She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
it's like heaven, but drunker
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
