my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
