I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
