I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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